kollo_rpg | Summer 13 | Closed to Jack Harkness

Ianto having Spike has made this whole thing a hell of a lot easier. Which is not something he never thought he'd say, back in those fraught, drama-filled days in Marina when the whole thing exploded in his face, but it's true. It's balanced things out. Ianto can have Spike and Jack can have, well, the rest of the universe, each on their own terms, and they can still meet in the middle for what they share, even if it's not as intense or exclusive as it once was. It works, and right now Jack is incredibly glad of that. He's not sure how he'd get through this if he didn't know he had Ianto waiting there to help him. Just because he hasn't actually turned to Ianto for this until now doesn't mean it hasn't meant a hell of a lot knowing he'd be there when he needed him.

He smiles softly. "They were incredible. I mean, not just the sex, though that certainly was amazing, but they were such good people. Open and generous and caring, and they couldn't pass by anyone in any sort of trouble without trying to see if they could help them. It felt really good, you know? To get out there again, dashing into danger, facing the odds together, laughing about it... It was almost like being with the Doctor again. I mean, their ship was no TARDIS but she was a beautiful, slinky little thing, and she took us wherever we needed to be, no questions asked, and scooped us out trouble more times than I can count!"

A brittle note creeps into his voice as he talks about the ship, the thing that ended it all, and he stops talking for a moment, swallowing as he stares sightlessly out across the sea.

No, things aren’t as intense or exclusive as they used to be, by any means. Jack is always going to be a part of his life and always going to be someone he cares about but it is different now than it was although this might not be the best time to try and work it out. Things aren’t as dramatic as they used to be, but some of the passion is gone as well even if he doesn’t want to admit it. He’s here, and Jack can always rely on him but he doesn’t know how to tell him that it feels as though their relationship has fundamentally changed. It isn’t what is used to be, at least not as he sees it.

For example all this would have hurt to hear, once. Now it’s just another one of Jack’s stories, something that doesn’t quite connect with him while still being very real. “What happened to them?”

At least, out here in the big, wide universe, it's a lot easier to make an on-again, off-again relationship work than it would have been if they'd stayed in Marina. They have the space to be their own people. And yes, it has changed, of course it has, and he's okay with that, or at least he thinks he is. They probably do need to have a talk about that. But perhaps, in a way, they've progressed to something more like friends with benefits but, contrary to what some might believe, right now it's the friend part Jack's far more interested in: the company of someone who understands him better than probably anyone else in the universe, who can understand what this has done to him, what it does to him every single time.

He lets out a breath, steeling himself to say it. "The ship blew up. They were on board."

Five years ago the idea that friends with benefits could describe their relationship would have broken his heart but now it’s exactly the words he would have chosen for it. What they have works for where they both are in their lives right now, and while it probably will come up for discussion as they figure out where to go in this place for now it’s for the best.

He had a feeling something like this was coming in the story. From the way Jack’s been acting lately he knew there was some heartbreak involved. His hand finds Jack’s and gives it a squeeze, not saying anything just yet but rather letting him decide what details he wants to give, what he still wants to keep for himself.

Of course there's heartbreak. Isn't that the repetitive theme of Jack's life?

His fingers curl around Ianto's and cling as he feels his way through the aftermath of the revelation with a few shuddery breaths.

"I think that's the first time I've said it out loud," he says shakily. "There's no-one else I could say it to."

Except perhaps Spike or Martha, but he hasn't quite got there with either of them so far.

He shakes his head, as if to shake away the emotions that threaten, and forces himself to continue with the story. "I was down on a nearby planet, getting supplies. I saw the explosion - heard it - felt it." He grits his teeth. "It should have been me up there. If they'd just come down instead of me..."

No, there probably isn’t anyone else, is there? He doubts there’s anyone alive who understands Jack Harkness as well as he does, which is a different form of tragedy. He knows how hard this is, one more loss after so many.

“What caused it?” He asks gently. An attack? Or just random chance, just another string of bad luck to shatter something he’d risked letting himself care about?

A few years ago, in MarinaNova, he did have other people he could have talked to about this, people he'd built real, deep relationships with through being forced to stay still in one place for a decent length of time. Through being forced to actually engage with people properly because he wasn't able to distract himself by flitting about through the universe. Even Saavi and Taiana hadn't known him as well as some of those people back in Marina (Chuck, for instance, and Kitty) simply because of all those distractions - though that didn't mean his relationship with them hadn't run deep too, just in a different way that was less about deep, personal revelations and insights and more about sharing physical intimacy and wild adventures.

More like what his relationship with Ianto had been pre-MarinaNova.

He shakes his head. "I examined all the wreckage I could find, and I'm pretty sure it was an accident. There was a fault in the engine - Taiana had been warning us for months that the regulator needed replacing but we'd kept putting it off for one reason or another. I'm pretty sure it was that."

And of course he's blaming himself for not taking the time to get it fixed.

As far as Ianto can see that’s the worst possible option. At least if it were an attack or an outside threat Jack could focus his energy on it and blame them, but an accident means he’ll only blame himself.

“I know you well enough to know it’s pointless to tell you not to blame yourself but in this case I truest believe you shouldn’t.” It would be easy for someone who didn’t know him to put it down as being over dramatic but Ianto knows better. He knows what he’ll do to keep the people around him safe if he can. “Sometimes things just happen, we both know that. They can be terrible without being anyone’s fault.”

Yes, exactly. There's no-one to hunt down and bring to justice, not this time. If there's anyone to blame, it's the three of them, and Jack's the only one left.

He bites his lip, his fingers tightening around Ianto's until they hurt. "I know," he says, keeping his voice low to try to stop it from trembling. He knows the facts, the probabilities, the way dumb luck works, but that doesn't make it any easier to accept.

"I rather wish there were someone to blame," he growls, and finally turns his head to look at Ianto, a flash of darkness in his eyes. "I would really like to have someone to punch for this."

Ianto doesn’t fight the grip on his hand, squeezing back gently. It’s better than Jack raging against all this or shutting himself away completely even if he has no doubt he’s already done plenty of both those things. He’s watched Jack for years now, enough time to learn that when you live as long as he has it takes an equally long time to forget how loss hurts.

“How long ago was this?” How long has he been running from it?

It feels as if every muscle in his body has tensed up. "Sixty-seven days and, oh, about seven hours," he says tightly. If he were to move to look at his watch he could tell Ianto the exact amount of minutes and seconds too, but he doesn't move. He can't. It feels like everything is so tightly coiled that any tiny movement might set it all off.

He should have know Jack would know he exact amount of time it’s been. He suspects once upon a time he could have rattled off the same statistic about Ianto himself. When you’re eternal what else can you define things by except time.

“I’m sorry.” It won’t help but in the end what else is there to say? He knows Jack will understand what he means, that he can see how hard this is, how much he’s lost over the centuries and how painful it is to add more names to that list.

Oh yes, it had been exactly the same after losing Ianto, at least until he'd got himself so wasted that he'd lost track, without his wriststrap to keep a check on things. Then he'd cursed himself for losing track, which had led to him getting even more wasted, and so on down in an endless, vicious circle.

"Yeah," he says emptily, blinking hard against the tears that threaten again in the face of that understanding. It's wonderful to have someone who gets it like Ianto does, but it's also dangerous because it's going to be the key to his undoing. He's known all along that once he starts to talk about it, that'll be it, there'll be no shoving it back inside. Which is of course why he's put it off as long as he has.

His hand clenches unwittingly again around Ianto's as he grinds his teeth, trying to keep it all in check. He shakes his head, glaring out to sea again. "It's not fair," he says shakily. "They were good people. It's not fucking fair."

He releases Jack’s hand but only so he can wrap his arm around him, pulling him close and giving him a shoulder to cry on, both literally and physically. What is there even to say? Life isn’t fair, they both know it all too well. And words don’t make loss like this better. He knows Jack, knows he communicates by touch, by physicality. Even a gesture as simple as this says more than any speech ever could.

He resists instinctively when he feels Ianto start to release his hand, fingers automatically tightening, not wanting to let go, until he belatedly realises where Ianto's going with it.

Then he gulps a bit and turns in towards Ianto's ready shoulder, arms sliding around him to grip almost as tightly as he'd been holding his hand. He gazes sightlessly out over the cliffs, vision blurring as the tears he's been holding back for so long finally start to fall.

For now he just holds him, feeling his body start to shake as he finally stops fighting back those tears. Jack’s certainly done it for him so many times in the past when he’s needed it. His hand strokes comfortingly up and down his arm, silently telling him it’s alright, take as long as he needs. He doubts Jack has let himself have this release with anyone else.

Now that he's finally letting go, and with the reassurance of Ianto's calm, quiet embrace, the tears come fast and hard, streaming down his face as he sobs pitifully, finally allowing himself to mourn the loss of two very dear friends. He wasn't in love with Saavi or Taiana, still very much the third member of their trio (much as he is nowadays with Ianto and Spike) but that's not the point. The point is that they were good people, and their deaths were sudden and unexpected and pointless, and came far, far too soon.

Luckily for Ianto, even for someone with such a magnitude for grief as Jack, crying can only go on so long, and eventually his sobs start to quieten until he's just wrapped around Ianto, his outburst reduced now to just a faint quivering of his body with every breath. He buries his face in Ianto's shoulder for one further moment, then sniffs and finally pulls back, giving Ianto a faint, watery smile as he reaches into his coat for a handkerchief.

"Thanks," he says unsteadily, with a great depth of gratitude in his tone.

The fact that Jack doesn’t have anywhere to belong, that he was a third wheel both in that relationship and with Ianto and Spike isn’t something he’s quite connected the dots on yet. Give him time and the realization will hit him but for now all he sees is the grief over his loss.

So he holds him and runs comforting hands over his shoulders or hair until the sobs finally begin to slow and eventually the tears dry. He isn’t naive enough to think the pain is anywhere near gone but he’s willing to bet this release is a big step. He knows Jack doesn’t open up to many people.

“You don’t have to thank me,” He replies, stroking a hand lightly along the side of his face, brushing a few wayward tears away with his thumb. “You know I’ll always be here, Jack. It doesn’t matter how far you go. There won’t ever be a time when you can’t come back to me if you need me.”

It hasn't really sunk in for Jack yet either, especially as he'd been floating around homeless before Marina as well, after losing Ianto and everything else that had anchored him to Cardiff. It's been the default for a lot of his long life, after all - even while he was staying mostly in Cardiff, he rarely had anyone to belong to for long - but after the way things developed in Marina and in those few years afterwards with Ianto and Spike, before he started to get itchy feet again, it is perhaps a shame that he's begun to revert to form once again.

On the other hand, it means he really appreciates this from Ianto right now. He might take people for granted and ride roughshod over their feelings a lot of the time, but in some ways, when someone's as important to him as Ianto is, he doesn't always feel he deserves them, so Ianto's words and the gentleness of his stroking hand make him well up again just when he thought he was all out of tears and, really, what else is there for him to do but curl his hand around the back of Ianto's head and lean in to kiss him, simultaneously grateful and sweet but also hungry for that contact, that connection, he's been denying himself.

It’s just how he is. Ianto has come to have a better understanding of it over the past few years, enough to accept that even without Spike in the picture Jack never would have stayed with him forever. He isn’t built for it. It was a sad realization at first, but he tries not to think about it much these days.

He should have been expecting that kiss but it still takes him by surprise so he fumbles for a moment before returning it, soft and emotional but perhaps not quite as needy as Jack. That hesitation isn’t something he’s really conscious of. Perhaps it’s a bit of reluctance, a slight feeling that they still aren’t quite there yet. It’s clear however that Jack needs this and that tugs at him, too, makes him press back against those lips even if he isn’t sure this is the best move for himself just now.

Jack may be blind to many things, but when it comes to anything sexual he's normally much more aware, and he can't help but notice that moment of hesitation before Ianto returns his kiss, and the feeling that there's something being held in reserve here.

Which means that it's only really a minute or two before he's pulling back slightly, not away, just trying to reduce his own neediness and give Ianto a chance to say no if he needs to.

"Sorry," he mumbles, abruptly very aware of the fact that Ianto and Spike have stayed put while he's moved on and that such advances might actually be off the table now.

It was an almost unconscious hesitation, one Ianto isn’t even fully aware of until Jack pulls away, leaving him feeling confused and honestly a bit ashamed. He didn’t expect to learn all he did today, mostly thought it was just going to be some time to catch up and reconnect, the first step in working back towards what they had. Now instead it feels as though he’s fallen down a flight of stairs, ending up at that inevitable destination while still missing several important things along the way. In the end he simply has to decide which is more important, addressing that lingering hesitation and uncertainty of the fact that Jack clearly needs him right now. It was never going to be much of a choice.

He shakes his head with a faint, serious little smile. “It’s alright. It was just a moment, but it’s passed now. Don’t worry.” He’s more confident when he leans in to kiss him again, deliberately so.

To be fair, Jack hasn't quite been sure they're really there yet either, and he really wasn't intending to push things, but he's such a creature of instinct that he just went with his gut feeling at that instant. He's totally prepared for Ianto to reject him, and so the wave of emotion that washes through him when Ianto gives him that funny little smile and leans in again is unexpectedly fierce. Things have felt slightly off with Ianto ever since he and Spike arrived (however much Jack has been playing it cool and easy) and it's such a relief to feel able to connect like this, the way they've always communicated best.

So he meets the kiss with relief, trying to keep too much neediness out of it but definitely wanting. His hands stroke into Ianto's short hair as he drowns his senses in the feel and scent and taste of Ianto once again.

They’re not quite on the same page yet but Ianto is sure as hell going to pretend they are for as long as he can. They’ve been together long enough for him to realize that being the only emotionally support Jack has isn’t always healthy for either of them. Most of the time he values it and it brings them closer together but there are times when it makes him reckless or causes Jack to be over protective. He’s missed Jack but he hasn’t missed how complicated and intense things can get between them.

He has missed the way he kisses, though, and the smell of him, those 51st century aftershave pharmones. He’s missed how they can have entire conversations through touch without saying a word. It makes it impossible not to begin to relax under his affection, to return those kisses with less hesitation, to begin to tell himself maybe he can take this step to begin reconnecting with him.

Things do tend to get complicated between them, and that's a part of what's made him so hesitant, knowing how much simpler things have been for Ianto with just Spike and how much more complicated they are now he's back in the picture again. In relationships gone by he probably wouldn't even have worried about it, just gone barging back in without a second thought, but Ianto and Spike (as well as other people back at MarinaNova) have massively deepened his understanding of how others are affected by such things and he is at least a little more sensitive now.

So he's aware that things are still a little off between them, but like Ianto he's happy to ignore that for the moment in the face of the comfort Ianto's offering right now. As Ianto begins to open up more to him, he lets out a little moan and lunges into the kiss, heat and need and more specific want for Ianto, as he begins to let himself realise just how much he's missed him.

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