kollo_rpg | Summer 13 | Closed to Jack Harkness

Yes, exactly. There's no-one to hunt down and bring to justice, not this time. If there's anyone to blame, it's the three of them, and Jack's the only one left.

He bites his lip, his fingers tightening around Ianto's until they hurt. "I know," he says, keeping his voice low to try to stop it from trembling. He knows the facts, the probabilities, the way dumb luck works, but that doesn't make it any easier to accept.

"I rather wish there were someone to blame," he growls, and finally turns his head to look at Ianto, a flash of darkness in his eyes. "I would really like to have someone to punch for this."

Ianto doesn’t fight the grip on his hand, squeezing back gently. It’s better than Jack raging against all this or shutting himself away completely even if he has no doubt he’s already done plenty of both those things. He’s watched Jack for years now, enough time to learn that when you live as long as he has it takes an equally long time to forget how loss hurts.

“How long ago was this?” How long has he been running from it?

It feels as if every muscle in his body has tensed up. "Sixty-seven days and, oh, about seven hours," he says tightly. If he were to move to look at his watch he could tell Ianto the exact amount of minutes and seconds too, but he doesn't move. He can't. It feels like everything is so tightly coiled that any tiny movement might set it all off.

He should have know Jack would know he exact amount of time it’s been. He suspects once upon a time he could have rattled off the same statistic about Ianto himself. When you’re eternal what else can you define things by except time.

“I’m sorry.” It won’t help but in the end what else is there to say? He knows Jack will understand what he means, that he can see how hard this is, how much he’s lost over the centuries and how painful it is to add more names to that list.

Oh yes, it had been exactly the same after losing Ianto, at least until he'd got himself so wasted that he'd lost track, without his wriststrap to keep a check on things. Then he'd cursed himself for losing track, which had led to him getting even more wasted, and so on down in an endless, vicious circle.

"Yeah," he says emptily, blinking hard against the tears that threaten again in the face of that understanding. It's wonderful to have someone who gets it like Ianto does, but it's also dangerous because it's going to be the key to his undoing. He's known all along that once he starts to talk about it, that'll be it, there'll be no shoving it back inside. Which is of course why he's put it off as long as he has.

His hand clenches unwittingly again around Ianto's as he grinds his teeth, trying to keep it all in check. He shakes his head, glaring out to sea again. "It's not fair," he says shakily. "They were good people. It's not fucking fair."

He releases Jack’s hand but only so he can wrap his arm around him, pulling him close and giving him a shoulder to cry on, both literally and physically. What is there even to say? Life isn’t fair, they both know it all too well. And words don’t make loss like this better. He knows Jack, knows he communicates by touch, by physicality. Even a gesture as simple as this says more than any speech ever could.

He resists instinctively when he feels Ianto start to release his hand, fingers automatically tightening, not wanting to let go, until he belatedly realises where Ianto's going with it.

Then he gulps a bit and turns in towards Ianto's ready shoulder, arms sliding around him to grip almost as tightly as he'd been holding his hand. He gazes sightlessly out over the cliffs, vision blurring as the tears he's been holding back for so long finally start to fall.

For now he just holds him, feeling his body start to shake as he finally stops fighting back those tears. Jack’s certainly done it for him so many times in the past when he’s needed it. His hand strokes comfortingly up and down his arm, silently telling him it’s alright, take as long as he needs. He doubts Jack has let himself have this release with anyone else.

Now that he's finally letting go, and with the reassurance of Ianto's calm, quiet embrace, the tears come fast and hard, streaming down his face as he sobs pitifully, finally allowing himself to mourn the loss of two very dear friends. He wasn't in love with Saavi or Taiana, still very much the third member of their trio (much as he is nowadays with Ianto and Spike) but that's not the point. The point is that they were good people, and their deaths were sudden and unexpected and pointless, and came far, far too soon.

Luckily for Ianto, even for someone with such a magnitude for grief as Jack, crying can only go on so long, and eventually his sobs start to quieten until he's just wrapped around Ianto, his outburst reduced now to just a faint quivering of his body with every breath. He buries his face in Ianto's shoulder for one further moment, then sniffs and finally pulls back, giving Ianto a faint, watery smile as he reaches into his coat for a handkerchief.

"Thanks," he says unsteadily, with a great depth of gratitude in his tone.

The fact that Jack doesn’t have anywhere to belong, that he was a third wheel both in that relationship and with Ianto and Spike isn’t something he’s quite connected the dots on yet. Give him time and the realization will hit him but for now all he sees is the grief over his loss.

So he holds him and runs comforting hands over his shoulders or hair until the sobs finally begin to slow and eventually the tears dry. He isn’t naive enough to think the pain is anywhere near gone but he’s willing to bet this release is a big step. He knows Jack doesn’t open up to many people.

“You don’t have to thank me,” He replies, stroking a hand lightly along the side of his face, brushing a few wayward tears away with his thumb. “You know I’ll always be here, Jack. It doesn’t matter how far you go. There won’t ever be a time when you can’t come back to me if you need me.”

It hasn't really sunk in for Jack yet either, especially as he'd been floating around homeless before Marina as well, after losing Ianto and everything else that had anchored him to Cardiff. It's been the default for a lot of his long life, after all - even while he was staying mostly in Cardiff, he rarely had anyone to belong to for long - but after the way things developed in Marina and in those few years afterwards with Ianto and Spike, before he started to get itchy feet again, it is perhaps a shame that he's begun to revert to form once again.

On the other hand, it means he really appreciates this from Ianto right now. He might take people for granted and ride roughshod over their feelings a lot of the time, but in some ways, when someone's as important to him as Ianto is, he doesn't always feel he deserves them, so Ianto's words and the gentleness of his stroking hand make him well up again just when he thought he was all out of tears and, really, what else is there for him to do but curl his hand around the back of Ianto's head and lean in to kiss him, simultaneously grateful and sweet but also hungry for that contact, that connection, he's been denying himself.

It’s just how he is. Ianto has come to have a better understanding of it over the past few years, enough to accept that even without Spike in the picture Jack never would have stayed with him forever. He isn’t built for it. It was a sad realization at first, but he tries not to think about it much these days.

He should have been expecting that kiss but it still takes him by surprise so he fumbles for a moment before returning it, soft and emotional but perhaps not quite as needy as Jack. That hesitation isn’t something he’s really conscious of. Perhaps it’s a bit of reluctance, a slight feeling that they still aren’t quite there yet. It’s clear however that Jack needs this and that tugs at him, too, makes him press back against those lips even if he isn’t sure this is the best move for himself just now.

Jack may be blind to many things, but when it comes to anything sexual he's normally much more aware, and he can't help but notice that moment of hesitation before Ianto returns his kiss, and the feeling that there's something being held in reserve here.

Which means that it's only really a minute or two before he's pulling back slightly, not away, just trying to reduce his own neediness and give Ianto a chance to say no if he needs to.

"Sorry," he mumbles, abruptly very aware of the fact that Ianto and Spike have stayed put while he's moved on and that such advances might actually be off the table now.

It was an almost unconscious hesitation, one Ianto isn’t even fully aware of until Jack pulls away, leaving him feeling confused and honestly a bit ashamed. He didn’t expect to learn all he did today, mostly thought it was just going to be some time to catch up and reconnect, the first step in working back towards what they had. Now instead it feels as though he’s fallen down a flight of stairs, ending up at that inevitable destination while still missing several important things along the way. In the end he simply has to decide which is more important, addressing that lingering hesitation and uncertainty of the fact that Jack clearly needs him right now. It was never going to be much of a choice.

He shakes his head with a faint, serious little smile. “It’s alright. It was just a moment, but it’s passed now. Don’t worry.” He’s more confident when he leans in to kiss him again, deliberately so.

To be fair, Jack hasn't quite been sure they're really there yet either, and he really wasn't intending to push things, but he's such a creature of instinct that he just went with his gut feeling at that instant. He's totally prepared for Ianto to reject him, and so the wave of emotion that washes through him when Ianto gives him that funny little smile and leans in again is unexpectedly fierce. Things have felt slightly off with Ianto ever since he and Spike arrived (however much Jack has been playing it cool and easy) and it's such a relief to feel able to connect like this, the way they've always communicated best.

So he meets the kiss with relief, trying to keep too much neediness out of it but definitely wanting. His hands stroke into Ianto's short hair as he drowns his senses in the feel and scent and taste of Ianto once again.

They’re not quite on the same page yet but Ianto is sure as hell going to pretend they are for as long as he can. They’ve been together long enough for him to realize that being the only emotionally support Jack has isn’t always healthy for either of them. Most of the time he values it and it brings them closer together but there are times when it makes him reckless or causes Jack to be over protective. He’s missed Jack but he hasn’t missed how complicated and intense things can get between them.

He has missed the way he kisses, though, and the smell of him, those 51st century aftershave pharmones. He’s missed how they can have entire conversations through touch without saying a word. It makes it impossible not to begin to relax under his affection, to return those kisses with less hesitation, to begin to tell himself maybe he can take this step to begin reconnecting with him.

Things do tend to get complicated between them, and that's a part of what's made him so hesitant, knowing how much simpler things have been for Ianto with just Spike and how much more complicated they are now he's back in the picture again. In relationships gone by he probably wouldn't even have worried about it, just gone barging back in without a second thought, but Ianto and Spike (as well as other people back at MarinaNova) have massively deepened his understanding of how others are affected by such things and he is at least a little more sensitive now.

So he's aware that things are still a little off between them, but like Ianto he's happy to ignore that for the moment in the face of the comfort Ianto's offering right now. As Ianto begins to open up more to him, he lets out a little moan and lunges into the kiss, heat and need and more specific want for Ianto, as he begins to let himself realise just how much he's missed him.

Their relationship has never been normal. He doesn’t know if it can be. In a way it needs he constant drama and excitement to survive since it’s something they both love in their lives. He’s just never quite sure whether it strengthens their relationship or just brings more stress to it. He’s had a lot of time to overthink these things while Jack’s been away.

And as always that overthinking goes right out the window in his presence and all he can focus on is those kisses and the moans he’s starting to make as well as he presses closer to him.

If asked, Jack would definitely say the drama has strengthened their relationship, because it's the things they've been through together that have drawn them so much closer - although, yeah, external drama does sometimes have a way of interrupting intimate moments. Not here, though. Here, on Norrhamn, there are no threats, no dangers, nothing to interrupt them save perhaps being stumbled upon by a passer by, but even that possibility feels remote right now. Jack has no attention for anything other than the man in his arms, who feels so right there that he's starting to wonder how he ever stayed away as long as he did.

"Fuck, I missed you," he gasps, shifting position for a new angle, his hands beginning to rove over Ianto's back and arms and head, restlessly wanting to encompass the whole of him, committing him to memory once more.

There’s still that tint, lingering voice of uncertainty in Ianto’s mind, the one that thinks they’re rushing back into their relationship before he was quite emotionally ready for it, the one that worries about how healthy it is that intense drama and emotions always seem to bring them together. But there’s no stopping this now and Jack so clearly needs this. If there’s one thing he always tries to do with mixed success it’s protect Jack since he certainly won’t do it for himself.

So he sets aside any unease or hesitation for now because it’s important, because Jack is greving and heartbroken and needs him right now and that’s something he’ll always put first no matter how long it’s been or how much changes between them. He lets himself press back against him, letting those wandering hands pull him closer, reminding him that he’s real and here and he hasn’t lost him. “I’ve missed you, too.”

He's grieving and heartbroken and needy, but he's not blind, and especially he's very finely attuned to the signals coming from someone he's making love to. Especially when that's someone he knows as well as he knows Ianto. So somewhere deep down, beneath all the churning grief and want and urgent need, he's still aware that Ianto is not quite all right with all this, and the longer this goes on, the more strongly that knowledge is filtering through.

He already checked in verbally once and got verbal assurances, so he doesn't bother trying that again. He knows Ianto will try to do almost anything for him, just as he would for Ianto, but that doesn't mean he's okay with it. So, instead, he uses the language they seem to communicate better through, and gradually forces himself to calm down, to lighten the heat in his kisses and slow the urgency of his roving hands. To reduce the expectation to something more manageable, something at a level Ianto's comfortable accepting. Letting him know that he's fine with that.

Until the kisses are softer and lighter, tender and affectionate, and eventually peter out altogether, just the two of them holding each other, close and comforting. He buries his face in Ianto's shoulder again and holds him tight.

((OOC: OMG, I adore how complicated and mixed up and hot and uncomfortable this whole thing is. But *I* was getting uncomfortable, so my solution is to have Jack just slightly more aware than he used to be! *g* ))

In an odd way just the fact that Jack can read him so well banishes those last lingering doubts. It’s been a long time since heave seen each other, a long time since they’ve been intimate and Jack still knows exactly what he’s thinking and feeling without him having to say a word, even in the midst of everything he’s going through. If that isn’t enough to reassure him that they’ve still got it he doesn’t know what is.

So he places a hand gently on the side of his face, lifting it up so he can look him in the eyes and make it clear this is okay, that they’re on the same page now, that Jack isn’t the only one who suddenly finds himself wanting to reconnect physically. “Let’s go somewhere more private, shall we?”

((You know heave gotta have the drama these two! XD))

His chin lifts easily enough at the prompting, but it takes him a moment before he can lift his eyes to match, not quite sure what he'll see in Ianto's face. What he does see, though, is reassurance and affirmation and his heart swells with foolish love.

He swallows, but doesn't trust himself to speak, just nodding and managing a bit of a shaky smile as he presses one more warm, grateful kiss onto Ianto's mouth and then pulling back so he can untangle himself and work his way up to his feet.

He glances about, assessing their choices but, really, this doesn't feel like the time for a frolic in the sea or the woods. He wants somewhere they can lie comfortably and won't have to move immediately afterwards if they don't want to.

Cabins it is, then. He nods his head in the direction of the village and gives Ianto a twisted smile. "Your place or mine?"

Ianto wraps an arm around him, very much a physical and emotional support right now as he pulls him away from the beach and back towards the tiny cluster of buildings they had left behind. This was the right place for baring his soul but not for what follows.

“Yours.” It’s not that he’s avoiding Spike in the least but this is very clearly a private moment between the two of them and it needs to stay that way. Luckily the walk isn’t far and he doesn’t mind making it in relative silence. In a strange way it’s a comfortable one.

It was definitely the right place for baring his soul, and to be honest he's made in love in more exposed places too, but it's not what he wants right now. He wants comfort, and security, as will be evident (if it wasn't already) from the way he leans into Ianto's embrace as they walk, even more greedy for contact than he is normally.

"Yeah," he agrees, with a gusty sigh, and can't even bring himself to worry too much if any of his housemates are home. He hasn't seen any of them apart from Hanako for a while anyway, and while he doesn't want to freak Hanako out, she's going to have to get used to the idea of him bringing people home eventually. It's not exactly something he's ever going to stop doing altogether!

So, when they get back to the cabin, he doesn't call out to her, because he knows he still looks a state from all the crying and anyway he's not in the mood for lengthy explanations. If she's home, she'll either cope or she won't, and he'll deal with it later. Right now, all he wants is his bedroom, with Ianto in it, and the door closed and latched behind them, shutting them away, safe and contained. He pulls Ianto to him and kisses him again, urgent and wanting.

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