kollo_rpg | Summer 13 | Closed to Jack Harkness

Oh, he's not expecting perfection, but the fact that they're all so willing, that they all want to try, means a hell of a lot.

His lips twitch a bit at Ianto's quiet observation, because hey, he's always up for a bit of being tied down in the literal sense! Just not in the metaphorical one...

At Ianto's suggestion, he lets out a breath he hadn't realised he'd been holding in, and nods against his shoulder. "Yeah," he says, already shaky again just at the thought of having to go through all that revelation and explanation again so soon. "Would you? He ought to know, and I... It's all a bit too much to talk about it, you know?"

Oh they both know how much they enjoy tieing each other down - they’ve had plenty of time to play around with that in the last five years! - but in this sense it’s true. Jack doesn’t like to stay put for long, not with that whole universe out there to entice him. Ianto and Spike have certainly done their share of traveling around these last few years but he doesn’t have that same need to run Jack does.

“I’ll tell him,” Ianto assures him, hands stroking comfortingly across his back. “When you feel up to it you should consider talking to him about it. He’s good at this sort of thing, you know.”

There's still a lot of the universe he'd like to show Ianto. Perhaps next time he gets itchy feet, Ianto and Spike could come with him!

For now, though, he's very happy to take time out here - and he is glad that Spike's here too. He nods. "I know. I almost told him the other day, I just couldn't quite get there." He lets out a breath. "I do want to talk to him about it, I just... it's a lot, you know? Need to get myself together again first."

Ianto nods, head rubbing against Jack’s shoulder as he does. He takes a moment to settle himself more comfortably before asking quietly, “Do you need to talk about it now?”

In a way it might be easier, after the initial pain of mentioning it , after the way they’ve reconnected now. It will still hurt but perhaps in a different way.

He's quiet for a moment, gazing up at the ceiling, eyes wide but tearless now, though the signs of his previous tears are still there. Then he turns his head to smile sadly at Ianto and gives him a little squeeze.

"Yeah. I'd like that." He's calm again now, for the moment, heavy and languid and a little more accepting after having so much emotion washed out of him. "I wish you'd got to meet them. I always meant you to, there just always seemed to be somewhere else to be. But it would have been nice if there were someone else who remembered them." He smiles softly. "You'd have liked them, especially Taiana. She was the practical one, but with the dry humour lurking underneath."

It’s always been this way with them - easier to talk and to connect after sex. There’s something comforting, simple about it. He loves the feeling of lying here in Jack’s arms. It makes it feel like the rest of the world no longer exists and that it’s safe to talk about and share anything. He knows Jack feels the same way, too.

He listens quietly, observing the pain on Jack’s face as he talks about the people he lost. He clearly loved them, no matter what he might be willing to admit on the subject. “There are lots of people out theee who remember them. If they were with you they must have been good, I’m sure they’ll be missed by more than you know. And I’m sorry I wasn’t able to be one of them.”

Yeah, lying together after sex has always been their special space, when revelations can be made that'd be impossible at any other time.

"Thanks, that means a lot," he says, giving Ianto a grateful squeeze. "And obviously there are other people who'll miss them, it's just, I didn't know any of them. Not really. I never even visited their home world or met any of their family - and afterwards, I couldn't bear to. I just let the authorities deal with all the notifications. I don't even know if they had any kind of funeral. I just sort of... ran away."

Something he's not proud of, any more than he was the last time, after Ianto and Stephen. It makes him feel too much like the Doctor, and he's always prided himself on not being like the Doctor and actually staying to pick up the pieces afterwards. (Although, admittedly, a lot of that was because he was stuck in Cardiff and couldn't just run away.)

He’s not surprised but doesn’t comment on it. Jack runs away. It’s what he does. He very much doubts he attended Ianto’s own funeral either. He can’t say he really blames him - what’s the point when you’re immortal and everyone you love becomes little more than a countdown to when you lose them again.

“And you haven’t let yourself stop running since, have you?” He asked gently. It hasn’t been long, certainly not long enough to recover or to let himself heal. “At least until coming here?”

No, he didn't attend Ianto's funeral. He'd attended enough funerals over the centuries to start feeling like a ghost, always the one left standing but never really included amongst the friends and family, standing at the edge of the crowd, grieving alone. After the whole thing with the 456, coming so soon after having lost Owen and Toshiko, he just couldn't do it again.

And, oh fuck, Ianto knows him so well. He grimaces a bit, and takes a while to meet Ianto's eyes. "I guess not. I kept myself busy, went off trying to find other people to help - other people to save." He gives Ianto a rather self-conscious look, because this is not how he's always tried to cope before.

"I figured it was better, at least, than trying to drown and fuck away my sorrows like I did after - you know. The last time."

“I think that’s called growth,” Ianto responds with a soft, sympathetic smile. There are a lot of things Jack could have done to cope. The fact that he chose helping others is oddly sweet and encouraging. It is better than how things went last time and that has to count for something. “I’m glad you stopped running though. And I’m glad it was in the same place as us.”

He shifts around a bit, getting more comfortable against Jack as he adds quietly, “You know we came here to run away from things, too.”

Well, trying to save others is pretty much what Jack does, his default mechanism. Whatever he does, wherever he goes, he always seems to end up trying to make things better. Of course, a part of it is the excitement, the thrill of the danger he ends up putting himself in, and the last couple of months he's been putting himself recklessly in ever greater danger in order to save people from the clutches of death.

It is, however, quite possibly the first time he's actually recognised this self-destructive tendency and made the decision to do something about it.

Even so, he's not quite ready to admit to something as serious-sounding as 'growth'! He shrugs a bit, looking uncomfortable but undeniably pleased by the praise even as he tries to deflect it. "I think most people are here to run away from things. It's kind of in the nature of the place." He smiles, stroking Ianto's back lightly. "I'm glad you ran here too, though. Even though I was kind of trying to put off coming back to you, I'm really glad I didn't manage it!"

He isn’t offended that Jack was avoiding coming back to them. Relationships between the three of them are intense at the best of times. It would be overwhelming after something like this. As for finding them in this place, well, “Can you really be surprised we’d gondomeehere time locked?”

They haven’t talked about it directly but Jack knows why he’s here, what deadline they’re all avoiding talking about. His own problem to run from.

He... really had expected Ianto to understand that. He'd expected frustration with his errant ways - long-suffering acceptance at best - but not genuine understanding, and even though Ianto doesn't say it out loud, he can see it in his face. He studies Ianto a little more closely, giving him a tiny, rueful smile.

"Spike says you're still absolutely set on becoming a vampire," he says quietly - the quietness mostly just to keep control, because he's a jumble of different emotions about this issue and right now he's a jumble of emotions anyway.

How long have they been together now? Seven years? Almost eight? Certainly the beginning of that was little more than casual sex but still, he knows Jack, knows him as well as maybe anyone can. He understands how he works by now and why he does the things he does. In an odd way being apart as much as they have lately has helped to throw all that into even sharper focus.

He shrugs. “I’m not doing it because I want to be a vampire. Trust me, I’m well aware of it’s downsides.” He really is after loving with Spike this long since they’re all things they’ve had to experience together - not just things like being limited to the night but other developments, too. Moving around often to keep people from noticing, remembering to invite him into places, even just how much blood you can buy before a butcher starts to get suspicious. He’s sssn it all first hand lately along with the bigger issues like how hard it is to live as a demon with a soul. “But I’m tired of changing when you two don’t and frankly I’m afraid to die.” Again remains unsaid. That shadow Tyki cast over them all will always be there.

Perhaps there has been growth on both sides - and yes, perhaps all the more because of the separation. Who'd have thought it?

He quirks a wry smile at the comment about downsides, and watches Ianto's face, realising belatedly just how much he must have thought about all this, living with Spike all these years. Just how much more like vampires they've already been living, since he's been gone. With him there too, the balance was tipped towards the human side and it was more about Spike having to fit in with their routines, but with him gone... So he watches Ianto's face, and something in him shifts just a tiny bit towards the idea of accepting it.

His arm tightens automatically around Ianto, instinctive comfort against the idea of him dying, because of course none of them want that and he can only imagine how much more Ianto thinks about that, not just because of Tyki but because of loving two immortals.

"I'm afraid of you dying too," he admits, not very steadily. Even more so now, after recent events. Although, to be fair, being a vampire probably wouldn't have saved him from being blown apart in a spaceship explosion, which is even more sobering. "I just wish there were some other way. Some way you could stay warm and human and go out in the sunlight, you know?"

“I don’t spend much time in the sunlight these days anyway. I can live without it.” Mostly true. It’s not as though he spent years working in a dark underground bunker or anything like that.

Still, he understands. He likes being alive, likes being human. It’s important, he thinks, to have that with the two of them. They’re both so old and have been through so much that more often than not he finds they need someone ordinary and alive to keep them grounded, to remind them how to feel. He doesn’t know if he can keep doing that if he changes, but he also knows they don’t have a choice. Or at least not as far as he’s concerned. “If you know another way I’ll take it but we both know you don’t. And maybe it sounds selfish but I don’t like the idea of what it would do to either of you to lose me, not when we could have stopped it.”

All the more reason to want to stay out in the sunlight, when you've been shut away for so long!

And yes, they need him to be the grounded one, but quite possibly he'll always be the one who is, whether human or vampire. The one to make the sensible decisions, when he and Spike are running too high on emotion.

"I know," he says, his voice cracking again. Far, far too close to home right now, the idea of losing Ianto. "It's not selfish," he assures him, arms tightening again around him.

He purses his lips. "You know, I did wonder, for a while... You know that year I was gone from Marina - well, a year for me, a few days for you? There was some stuff then that made me wonder if there might be any power of immortality in my blood. I'd always scoffed at the idea, but they were all about my blood, and feeding it into the Blessing is what made everybody on Earth immortal and me mortal. I've always wondered, since, if there might be something there after all. But I've no idea how to investigate it."

((OOC: Frustratingly, he never got as far as the bit where Rex wakes up after getting shot, but I do feel he could have extrapolated the idea!))

He considers changing the subject at that tone in Jack’s voice. He’s too emotional for this conversation right now and perhaps he shouldn’t have brought it up. Too late though, and he’s see right through it.

The theory isn’t a bad one but he doesn’t know if he believes it. Then again if he’s learned one thing from Spike it’s how much power blood can have. “You should talk to Spike about it. He might have a better insight into it than me.” He’s never bothered to ask if Jack’s blood tasted different although he certainly knows just being near him can be overwhelming at times for the vampire. “I don’t know how much good it would do. But maybe.” It’s no worse than stalling here like they are.

Yeah, this is too important for him to be turned aside easily, now that they are finally talking about it. And perhaps the fact that it is all so raw for him is something of an incentive to talk about it, to try to ensure that at least he's done everything he can to avoid Ianto dying needlessly (again) too.

He doesn't put much stock in the idea of his blood holding the secret to immortality, at least not without the Blessing getting in on the act, but there's enough there to have him wondering, and he nods thoughtfully at Ianto's suggestion. "Good idea. Blood is definitely his thing." His lips twitch. "He's always said I tasted good."

Ianto may not have asked, but Jack certainly has! Or, rather, he didn't need to ask because Spike told him, both in words and with his reactions.

“He’s missed you, probably as much as I have,” Ianto responds absently. Good luck getting him to admit it though. Still, he knows Spike always gets excited to have Jack around.

And honestly he doesn’t know what else there is to say on the matter of changing him. They talked it over when they first got back and he was overruled, convinced to wait a bit. Maybe that was the right call at the time, but he can’t wait forever. “I know neither of you are particularly comfortable with the idea of it all but it needs to happen, Jack. As soon as we leave this place. You both need to accept that, because I can’t put it off much longer.”

"We've all missed each other," he says softly, holding back from apologising again for not coming back to them sooner because he feels like he's starting to sound like a broken record, but he's definitely thinking it.

He gives Ianto a rueful look. "I know." He slides a hand up and down Ianto's back, enjoying the soft warmth of his skin, knowing how much he'll miss it, and how he doesn't have much choice but to get used to the idea. "I know. I just need time. Let me just be selfish and enjoy you as you are for a little longer?"

“Alright,” Ianto replies softly before adding, “But don’t keep me waiting too long.” He knows that’s what this place is for. One last desperate attempt to stall. If it weren’t time locked he never would have agreed to it in the first place. Even as it is he feels restless here, like one of them is going to change their minds about all this is they wait to long.

But at this point what more is there to say? He doubts it’s the last either of them have had of this discussion but he doesn’t feel like pushing it. Instead he settles more comfortable against him, still on a vampire sleep cycle enough to feel tired after all this.

"I'll try," he promises, and adds wryly, "It'll probably help, actually spending time with you here."

Because perhaps there's been another reason for staying away, somewhere unacknowledged in the back of his mind. That if he's not there, nothing will change.

Or something. It's the sort of thing that doesn't make much sense, except to Jack.

He smiles at the rather adorable way Ianto snuggles against him, and reaches down to pull up the covers over them a little way. He's tired enough himself from insomnia and nightmares that he really doesn't have a problem with a little nap, especially if he gets to cuddle Ianto at the same time.

"Snuggle up while I tell you some more about Saavi and Taiana?" he suggests, drawing Ianto in just about as close as he can get. "I won't grouch if you fall asleep. It'd just be nice to tell you about them."

“I’d like that,” Ianto replies sincerely, accepting the suggestion to snuggle closer. He always likes listening to Jack tell stories. Happy, sad, outlandish, it doesn’t matter. They’ve always had the power to entrance him. “Tell me about them.”

He smiles, the sadness still there, but greatly eased for the moment by sharing it with Ianto. "All right," he says, and starts talking, about how he first met the purple-skinned ladies in a bar fight, where they'd stood up for a feeble little alien who was being picked on by some louts; how they'd got talking afterwards and talking had led to flirting and flirting had led to all sorts of fun. He talked about their outrageous sense of humour and how he'd fitted right in; about their first daring escapade to save a young girl stranded on a mountain and how other adventures had followed; tall tales about strange worlds and the even stranger aliens who inhabited them; quiet times with just the three of them hanging out, cosy and content.

He talks long after Ianto has drifted off into sleep, a kind of cathartic cleansing of his memories. And then eventually he falls silent too, staring up at the ceiling of his room, listening to Ianto's steady breathing, wondering how he can bear to lose that too, knowing he's going to have to.

Eventually, he drifts off himself, and sleeps soundly, his first sleep unhaunted by nightmares in way, way too long.

Summer 13 | Closed to Jack Harkness

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That moment when you accidentally post a half finished tag 😂

Happens to us all!

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