kollo_rpg | summer 5 - bad aftermath (action, closed)

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summer 5 - bad aftermath (action, closed)

[ Hanako's night after the midsummer party was not at all the definition of restful. Thoughts kept swirling and swirling in her head, about the encounter she had with that stranger, the way it hurt her spirits and how she regretted shouting at him afterwards. Just like back then, when she shot hateful words towards Hisao like bullets piercing his weak heart.

She didn't want to have a repeat of that. It should have ended differently. A lot of things should have been different, but now she's in her bed, still in the mundane clothes she went to the party with, and she'd been staring into a dark corner of her room for hours and hours, her empty eyes aching from all the tears she poured. Even though she came here to relax, things went to hell already... and she can't help thinking it's her fault.

Jack may have noticed that she's been cooped up all morning, not even stepping out for breakfast. Might as well check on her, yeah? ]

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[ ...

Her shadowed eyes watch Jack put the tea down, until he asks about the cause of her distress and she's instantly compelled to turn her gaze away, staring hard at the floor.

She could lie and say she just had a panic attack out of nowhere, but her spirits are low and her mind can't come up with such simple project to carry on. Jack isn't smothering her, he doesn't have the air of someone who wants to pry or feels too sorry for her. It may be worth saying a little bit of truth. ]

O-On my way back, last night... I m-met someone.

[That doesn't sound good. As far as he's concerned, this is supposed to be a sanctuary, somewhere people can come to get away from nastiness.

After a moment's consideration, he decides that towering over her (and he really does feel ridiculously large next to her) isn't going to help her feel she can talk to him and so instead he turns to the room's single chair and sits down, making himself less looming and hopefully easier to talk to. And also, in the process, showing her he's here for her and not going anywhere.

...He's not sure he's ever worked so hard at being careful for fear of frightening someone off. But he wants to get this right. He wants to help.]

What happened, Hanako? Did they hurt you?

[ There is not a lot to say, it all happened within a couple minutes, but Hanako still has that feeling of struggle that comes with having to tell someone things, especially when they're things that are distressing to recall.

Seeing as Jack went and took a seat, she withdraws to her bed, sitting at the edge of it. Her head is kept down, like she's guilty of everything that happened to her. ]

No, he didn't... physically hurt me, b-but...

[ She sucks in a breath. It all sounds so stupid now that it's coming out of her mouth... a reminder that she could have handled it better - definitely not the way she did last night. ]

I had a feeling someone was... watching me, a-and... I was startled when I s-saw him out of nowhere. I told him that he s-scared me, and he... was not kind about it. So I p-panicked and... ran back here.

[ Her eyes start tingling as she remembers what the stranger told her - it was rude and cruel, not unlike what bullies would say to someone weaker than them, kicking them while they're down. It makes her stomach knot, and she falls silent. ]

[There's some relief that at least she's not physically hurt, but he knows that pain doesn't have to be physical to hurt a lot, and Hanako is definitely extremely distressed, so he doesn't exactly relax a lot.]

I'm so sorry you had to go through that, Hanako. It sounds horrible.

[He hesitates, because he's wary of alienating her but he's aching to comfort her in the best way he knows, and so in the end he goes with it.] Sweetheart, may I hold you? You look like you could really use a hug!

[ Her shoulders stiffen, and her reaction comes quick and harsh, filled with panic. Shaking her head frantically, she curls her fingers tighter around her skirt until her knuckles turn visibly white. A hug or any physical contact is the least form of comfort she wants, or needs at all.

No. Not that. Please, not that. ]

I w-would rather... not... I'm sorry, but... th-thank you for the tea.

[ Speaking of which, she attempts to reach out for the cup... except she hesitates as she sees her own hand shake. It's going to spill all over if she tried holding it right now. ]

[Damn. Too much too soon and clearly he's underestimating the extent of her timidity or whatever it is that makes her withdraw like that at the very suggestion of what he would be aching for.

He holds up his hands to reassure her, smiling ruefully.] Okay, okay, sorry, no hugs. Look, I'm sorry, I just to help. What I can I do? You want your tea?

[Seeing her reach for it (and, yes, observing how hard she's shaking), he stands and picks up the cup, approaching her slowly with it, like a frightened animal.]

You'll feel better if you get something hot inside you. Can I hold it for you? [And he's not taking no for an answer this time (well, you know, unless she scurries away into the corner or something), just crouches beside the bed and carefully starts to bring the cup up towards her lips.

[ An unstoppable rush of panic stabs through her lungs the moment Jack comes closer and picks the tea for her, being almost forceful in his attempt to make her drink it. Fear can be read in her gaze and she withdraws from the edge of the bed indeed, forcibly yanking the cup from her roomate.

A few drops spill out, but fortunately it doesn't land on her skin. Hands are still shaking, but there's no way she's going to allow Jack to force anything on her, even if he's trying to help. She may get tea all over her clothes, but then again they need a cleaning anyway after last night. ]

Don't... [ She stutters above a whisper, backtracking a bit further from him. ] Please don't c-come closer...

[Oh god, he really is crap at this, isn't he? He's aching to comfort her and all he's managing to do is scare her even more.

He stares at her helplessly when she scrambles away, wincing as he seeks tea slop out of the cup, although at least it shouldn't be hot enough any more to scald her.]

I'm sorry. [He stays where he is, crouching, trying not to be big and threatening.]

Look, do you want me to just go? Is there anyone I can call to come and be with you instead? Someone who'd be better at this than me?

[Pretty much anyone, he suspects.]

[ The tea grows a bit hotter in her hands as she squeezes the cup, but it oddly calms her instead of adding onto the freakout she's already displaying. Hanako lets her jaw slack, trying to mouth an apology for upsetting Jack, but no sound comes out. Instead she shakes her head and pulls her legs close to herself until her knees are pressed to her chest.

She had decent conversations with a few people here. Most of them were nice. A couple of them left her with a lot to reflect on how she could pursue a stronger link with others. But trust? No, she still trusts no one here. She hates the fact that she can't and won't rely on anyone.

Though Jack is left hanging for a reply, she decides to take her time and finally have a small sip of tea. It's sweet. She clears her throat then, pushing herself to breathe slower. ]

... I'm fine with y-you staying, but... [ A beat. ] I'm asking th-that you refrain from imposing anything on me again. I don't... appreciate it. I'm fine with you c-coming to check on me, and bringing food or anything that can help, but... let m-me decide what I will do next.

[ This is something she should have done a long time ago with Lilly and Hisao. Instead of letting the resentment fester inside her, she should have told them from the start that she doesn't want help being forced on her, should have set some boundaries. Maybe that way she wouldn't have done... what she did.

If only she realized it sooner... ]

... I'm sorry.

[ She hides most of her face behind her hair, averting the man's gaze.

There is the slightest hope that at the very least she won't mess up again. With Jack, or anyone else here. ]

[Jack really does have a tendency to ride roughshod over other people's feelings, even when he's trying to comfort them. He's not the most sensitive of men, and he really has no frame of reference for what she's going through. He's never been scared in the way that she's scared. Depressed, wild, raging, desperate – yes, but not this.

On the other hand, he is impressed that she's able to respond as she is now, to tell him what she wants. His hackles go up a little when she accuses him of forcing things on her, but he makes himself take a breath and by the time he's let it out again he's able to admit that okay, that kind of is what he was doing. He's the sort of person who does take control, a lot of the time, if he thinks it'll help. He's glad, at least, that he seems to have triggered her into taking that control back, even if he regrets having to upset her further in order to get her there.]

I'm sorry. [Still moving slowly and carefully, he eases himself up off the floor and goes back to sit in the armchair again, giving her a rueful little smile.] I'm sorry for trying to push things onto you. I guess I do that when I'm worried about people. It's my way of trying to fix things. [He spreads his hands.] I'm really not very good at this sort of thing. I normally leave it to other people. But if you haven't got anyone else here and I'm all there is, I… Hell, I don't even know what I'm trying to say here, just… I guess I just don’t want you to feel like you have to go through stuff all alone, okay?

[ While listening to him, Hanako forces herself to take a couple more sips of tea, its warmth spreading inside her throat and chest. Jack was right about that helping her calm down, but she already knew it would. Tea is a miracolous drink when she needs something to loosen her nerves with.

He sounds genuine in his speech and she really does want to believe him. There is no "I want to protect you" or any of those horrible things people say when they think she's way too weak to deal with situations like these... that she's not human enough to try and fix it herself. Those reminders that she's broken make her skin crawl.

Trust is something she only gave to two people, but... things went to hell since then, and she's still gravely sore. However, she's tired, and thinking about it too much would give leeway for a headache coming, so she decides to grant Jack a tiny bit of that trust she wouldn't easily share with anyone.

Hanako nods, understanding. ]

I c-can see your efforts, and it's... it's f-fine, as long as we're clear about... what I said.

[ The lack of sleep is starting to get to her as she's unable to form decent sentences, but she still tries. Because unless she speaks up, nothing will change. ]

... I had... friends who overstepped those b-boundaries, and... [ She chews her lip, doubtful about telling him, but words keep flowing out of her eventually. ] And that's why... I'm here.

[For what it's worth, he really doesn't see her as weak, especially now she's stood up to him. There are a lot of people, people he's known for years, who have never stood up to him like that, told him what they want, to deal on their terms. Oh, no, he doesn't think she's weak.

Which doesn't mean he doesn't want to protect her, of course, because he spends most of his life trying to protect people from harm, mostly physical but psychological too. He doesn't like seeing people hurt as she's hurting now.]

Sound like pretty lousy friends. [Just commenting, without much heat, because he doesn't know the backstory and whether she still consider them friends now. He makes up his mind to do his utmost to be better than those friends.]

Look, do you want to talk about it? Or tell me a bit more about this jerk you ran into last night?

[ Her jaw clenches uncomfortably when she hears Jack call her former friends that way, like she's unsure whether to agree or be angry at him for insulting them. She never believed they were lousy at all for what they did, but she would be a hypocrite for being upset on their behalf after what she told them during the fallout. A middle ground is reached once she inhales more of the tea's scent and drinks some more of it. She closes her eyes, lashes wet with the tears she shedded and ran out of in the past hours. ]

I... hm... p-part of what happened was also m-my fault. [ There is no intention on her part to tell Jack the whole story. It hurts to remember and confiding in her roomate like he's her therapist sounds unfair for the both of them. ] They were the only two p-people I ever bonded after my... parents...

[ And she suddenly falls mute, the tea in her hands showing how much her hands are trembling. Fortunately she already consumed half the cup so there's no longer a risk of spilling. ]

We ended up hurting e-each other in the end... that's all.

[He's not the most perceptive person, but he can't help but notice how the tightening of her jaw and makes a note to try and remember not to insult her friends. Obviously they'd been pretty close, despite everything.

He watches her compassionately as she slowly, haltingly, comes out with a bit more.]

I see. [His mouth twists ruefully.] It's sad how frequently that happens. You hurt the people you love and all that. I've done that far too many times for comfort.

How did you leave things? Did you sort them out before you left or did you come here to work out how to sort them?

[ Hanako clenches her jaw once again, then shamefully shakes her head. ]

I haven't... sorted them out.

[ It's a huge regret she will be carrying until she finds her peace. ]

Because I needed to escape that place, and... and I didn't want a-anything to escalate to... irredeemable levels, I have c-come here...

[ Who knows what would have happened if she stayed. The stupid things she would have done... ]

[He nods.]

Sounds like you did the most sensible thing you could. Give yourself a chance to process and work out how to proceed from here.

[He smiles.] Pretty amazing to have this opportunity offered to us just when we need it, eh?

[ A weak nod. ]

I wonder... how they k-knew I had that need to escape. But even so, I felt that I c-couldn't turn it down.

[He shakes his head, smiling.] I have no idea how they knew we needed this, but I'm doing my best not to look the gift-horse in the mouth and all that! It's enough that they knew and we're here.

[He pauses, tilting his head as he studies her, feeling his way forward.] Was there no-one back home that you could talk to about this stuff? No-one to hash it out with and try to get some perspective on things?

[ After a bit of thought, she sips her tea and murmurs softly. ]

No. I had a therapist, but I n-never felt a connection with her. The two I had the fallout with were the only f-friends I trusted. After that... there was no one. I could lean on no one.

[ She didn't want to lean on anyone even in her state, terrified of the pitiful looks she may have gotten in case she reached out, more reminders that she's weak, broken, lesser than human. ]

[He's kind of relieved that at least she's had a therapist, at least there's been someone, even if it didn't work out.]

I'm so sorry you had to go through all that alone. It's hard when there's no-one at all to go to for comfort.

[Though it does, he assumes, explain at least in part why she wouldn't let him hold her. If she's been used to surviving on her own, without connecting with other people, it makes sense that she'd balk at it now too.

Doesn't make him stop worrying about her, though. He gives her a thoughtful look.]

I wonder if there's any kind of therapist here? Or if they'd look into getting one? Seems like you're hardly going to be the only person here who could use one! [He gives her a self-deprecating grin.] I mean, I'm always open to talking if you want to, but I'm sure you've already gathered that I'm really not much good at this sort of thing!

[ Hanako had entertained a similar thought some time after arriving in Norrhamn, but she decided that she didn't need a professional here, that everything would be fine as long as she could have a period of a break from her painful world.

... After that incident with the stranger, she's not so confident in her own capability to keep herself in check. ]

I... might ask Olivia n-next time I see her.

[ Perhaps it's worth a try. She's not the only person who may need it, as Jack said. ]

And... thanks, for s-staying here. For talking. I... think I n-needed it.

[ He didn't have to stay. Not after she pushed him away. ]

[He nods, not wanting to push given that she's actually thinking of asking for a therapist. And smiles, warmly and sincerely, at the second part.]

No problem. I know it always helps me if I can get things off my chest - helps put things in perspective, I guess? I'm glad I could help. [He leans forward, still consciously gentle but also very earnest.] And honestly, if you ever need to talk, I'm here, okay?

[ Hanako looks down at what's left of her tea, and nods, before finishing the drink with the last couple sips.

She hesitates a moment, then holds up the empty cup towards Jack for him to take. ]

I'll remember this. Thank you...

[He takes the cup with a smile, and eases himself up out of the chair.]

Glad I could help. Anything else I can get you? Sandwich? Ice-cream? More tea?

... Any f-food would be of help.

[ She didn't eat any bit since yesterday's party, so... yeah. ]

[Oooookay. He takes a long look at her and then nods, heading for the door.]

I'll go and see what I can find. Won't be long!

[And he's not long, mainly because he feels like it's more important to get something into her than worrying about what precisely she's eating. Really, he feels like she could probably do with some broth or something really nutritious, but that would involve leaving the house to go to the store or the community centre and he doesn't really want to be away that long.

Luckily, he is a man who is used to keeping easy to eat food in stock, even if it is (fairly predictably, because this is the sort of thing he lives on) just pastries and leftover pizza. At least they were fresh this morning. He makes Hanako some more tea while he's down there and then brings it up on a big tray with a couple of sugary donuts and three large slices of ham and pineapple pizza. He raps on the door with one knuckle, just to warn her that he's back, but he's not actually waiting for an answer before going in this time, since she's already expecting him.]

Here you go. It's not that healthy, I'm afraid, but pretty good comfort food, I think!

[ Fortunately her stomach hadn't given up working to prevent lengthy emptiness. With some of her emotional burden knocked off her shoulders, Hanako will follow Jack with her eyes as he disappears behind the door and closes it.

During the wait, she thinks long and deeply about their talk. About how she can't keep going without seeing someone eventually. No matter where she is, the chances of falling back into despair are way too high. Norrhamn is a paradise that will remain as such only if she lets the people working there give her the mental help she needs.

It disgusts her. It makes her disgusted towards herself. She's hideous and broken and weak. Still, there is not much of a choice.

When Jack returns, she's sitting in the same spot in her bed he left her earlier. Her eyes glaze over the food and then at his face. Hesitation, then a little nod. ]

... I will take it.

Good girl. [He sets the tray down on the bed beside her and then straightens, giving her an affectionate smile.]

I'll leave you to it, eh? [He's sure she doesn't want him sitting there watching her eating.] But honestly, I'm around if you need me and you can always give me a call if you can't find me. Okay?

[ ... A small nod. There's relief in solitude and she feels bad for preferring that to Jack's company, but her social capacity today has been excessively flowing out and she plans to sleep through the rest of the day after the meal, hoping tomorrow will give her a better outlook. ]

... Okay.

[ She will speak no more, reaching for the food. Jack can leave whenever, but Hanako will remember his words and concede a little bit of trust for the future. ]

[He smiles, relieved that she at least intends to eat something, and gives her a nod before heading for the door, closing it quietly behind him.

He's definitely going to be checking in on her after this. He'll try to be unobtrusive about it, but he'll make sure he's around if she needs him.]

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summer 5 - bad aftermath (action, closed)

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