Summer 1 - Welcome dinner

[kollomods]

[ It's the very first dinner on Norrhamn and the kitchen staff (???) has really gone all out. The counter is covered by a variety of the finest cuisine Sweden has to offer — sandwich cakes of every variety, from the classic salmon and shrimp to ham and horse radish or more modern, vegan varieties with avocado and cherry tomatoes. There's a smaller table set out with strawberry and cream cake, and the traditional spread of seven different types of shortbread cookies. Of course there's coffee and tea by the bucketload, along with other drinks such as elderberry or lingonberry squash. The community center has been decorated for the occasion with bunting and strings of lights leading out into the garden. It's still early summer so the nights are mild and surprisingly bright — the sun has yet to fully set by the time the celebrations kick off. Better get used to the light, it's not getting darker anytime soon. ]

Comments

oh god(s)

[facings]

[ on the boat, he'd seen a mop of dark hair and felt something, like a memory he'd never thought he'd forget but couldn't remember it no matter how hard he thought, a whisper of a voice, or maybe a howl — and then it was gone, drowned out by his general disorientation upon arrival, the greetings, the reality that he was there instead of where he'd been before, instead of home.

when he speaks, he does so with nothing else to base the presence of another person on than a set of footsteps — but when he hears the response, it's like everything he tried so hard to remember comes back at once.

yes, he did recognize the person on the boat. yes, he can't believe he forgot, even for a moment. (and it's weird, when he thinks of it, the way he can't put a name or a face to anyone else, even though he knows there were many others there with them — and yet, it doesn't matter. he can't remember the others, but he knows no one else ever mattered as much as Noel.)

he breathes out. prays that his hands aren't shaking. turns to look at the source of the voice. ]

If it's not, then you're probably dreaming, [ he answers, drily, with only the slightest hint of his voice shaking, ] You couldn't have come up with a dream where I could eat something, could you? It's a shite dream, Noel.

[ but his lips are tugging upwards as he says it, betraying just how much he doesn't mean absolutely any of that. and the only reason he's not standing up and rushing over to Noel is that he's not entirely sure his legs won't just give out entirely. ]

r.i.p. my heart

[oracledriven]

[One second. One second can change anything, and it's that one second that has Noel holding his breath. That has him waiting on edge. It could be a look, a word, or the absence of either that answers his question, and while he waits for that one-second moment, he's also dreading it.

What if he doesn't remember? Noel isn't sure he can even tackle that question.

You're probably dreaming. He's tense --maybe even nervous-- and it shows, in the tiniest upturn of an eyebrow, the set line of his jaw. The shallowness of his breath. Is that shaking he hears, in Kieren's voice? The question stands unanswered, a tiny coil of dread threatening to knot in his stomach.

It's a shite dream, Noel.

Ah. There it is. A wave of devastating relief washes over him within that one-second span and the tension lifts. He breathes out, finally, with a breathy sigh that borders on a laugh, collapsing into the chair beside Kieren as he does so.]

Sorry. [The smile is catching - Noel's got a bit of it now, too.] Next time, I'll let you pick the dream.

good bye world

[facings]

Very generous of you.

[ that barely-there smile turns into a real one, when Noel breathes a laugh and sits next to him. it's convenient, too, because it means he doesn't need to move all that much, simply turn towards his best friend, to be close enough to throw his arms around Noel's shoulders.

for a moment, he tries to concentrate, thinking that the overwhelming relief might just be too much to break his focus and change his form... but no, he doesn't have to do that here, does he? it's not going to happen.

they're both free. ]

I — [ his voice catches, drags against his throat like sand. there are a million things he could say, I didn't think I'd see you again, I thought you'd left and that was it, I didn't know how to live there without you, but all he says is: ]

I missed you.

wow fuck me up why don't you

[oracledriven]

[A thousand thoughts immediately race through his head, a thousand responses, a thousand things he never got to say before the gods decided they were done with him. I didn't want to leave you there. I wanted to save you before I left. I thought you were gone for good. I'm sorry--

He had been so, so determined, to stay until everyone he loved was gone...and in the end, he wasn't able to hold up to that. It felt --still feels-- like a devastating defeat.

Speechless, groping for words, the only thing he's able to do for a moment is put his arms around Kieren, still thunderstruck. Still stunned.]

I thought-- [His voice wavers, just a bit.] I thought I'd never see you again.

[A small, dark corner of his thoughts wonder at this very moment if any of this is real. He tries not to think about that, though. Not now. Not like this.]

[facings]

Yeah, [ he responds, and the word ends up sounding somewhat strangled — there's something to be said for being unable to cry, but that doesn't stop his voice from sounding like he's about to. ]

I thought, at first, maybe... maybe you'd come back. That maybe something had happened. But you didn't, and I —

[ he remembers it still, clear as day, the way he felt when he realized Noel wasn't coming back, that the Gods had taken him and probably for good, this time. he remembers how their house looked, when he left it behind in the woods. he remembers the days blurring into one, remembers working and working until he couldn't muster up the energy to feel anything at all. ]

... I just wanted out. [ there's quiet apology in his tone — he knows full well what "out" would have meant for him, had it not been for the place. but how do you run from a place where not even death is permanent? ]

Wasn't expecting the ad to be real. Wasn't expecting anything, really. But you — Noel, you're really here, right? I'm not hallucinating this, am I?

[oracledriven]

[There's a straining in Kieren's voice that he can't help but hear, maybe even feel, deep in his chest. I thought, maybe you'd come back.

It's like a ringing in his ears. Maybe you'd come back.

There are so many things he wants to say, so many apologies and thoughts and promises and plans, but nothing has ever been permanent in their friendship, and he's broken every promise. Even the promise to stay.

I just wanted out.

Noel knows exactly what "out" means. The kind of "out" you could never get from a place like that -- the kind of "out" that has never stuck for Kieren anyway, and while Noel could never agree with it, after everything, everything they went through, there's no way he could ever judge him for it.]

... I'm sorry. [It's all he can think to say, for a moment.] I didn't want to leave you behind.

[Some part of him knows that it was an impossible task -- a pipe dream. But that doesn't make it any easier for him to forgive himself for failing.

At the question, he shakes his head, offering a faint grin.] Doubt it. If you're dreaming this, then so am I. [A pause; his face changes, expression sobering just a bit.]

I was expecting a trap. It sounds too good to be true, y'know?

[facings]

[ he wants to apologize, too: for giving up, for leaving the house, for not doing something, anything — even after the years of realizing how little control he had over anything in their lives, he can't help but feel that Noel leaving was just as much his fault as it was the Gods'.

that maybe, maybe if he'd done something, said something... maybe they wouldn't have taken him.

and yet he shakes his head at the apology, to say no, you don't have to, it wasn't your fault, because for everything he's blamed Noel for before, wanting to leave him was never one of those things. ]

Yeah, it does. But I didn't really care even if it had been. Had to be better than... [ than everything they'd left behind.

drawing back slightly, he grips Noel's hand, his own cold and pale against Noel's. ]

Promise me, [ he says and looks straight at Noel. ] If this place turns out to be what it says it is, if no one's going to force us anywhere... if you decide to go back home from here, don't go without me. I mean it, Noel.

[oracledriven]

[For the first time since he got here, Noel feels almost, almost like he can relax a little bit. Like things make a little bit of sense. Maybe Kieren is the one to thank for that, the feel of his hand, the sound of his voice.

In some small, weird, inexplicable way, it's almost like they never left. Like things haven't changed at all. And as horrifying as it sounds, that thought is a little bit of a comfort, for Noel, in some sense. Because everything is different. Things have changed. But after everything he's done, being able to remember where they've been and knowing that it was real...it's comforting.

He won't say that aloud, though. He can't. He simply nods at what Kieren is saying. It's better than that.

Anything would be better than that.

The coldness of Kieren's hand makes him feel very suddenly conscious of reality, of the fact that they're here, and not there. In a totally different place. A place where, theoretically, they have total autonomy. Gods, how long has it been since he could say that?]

I promise. [No hesitation. He almost jumps in before Kieren is even done. And he's never felt as sure about a promise as he does now.] Never again.

[As for him? After everything they've gone through, he knows he doesn't need to ask the same. He knows that of the two of them, he's the one who has betrayed that trust -- and he'll need to earn it again. But he still has to say something.]

Promise me you won't get into any trouble without me.

[A faint grin. For the first time since he got here, he feels like he remembers how to be himself, even just a little bit.]

[facings]

[ if he were to voice that thought, there's a good chance Kieren would agree, strange as it is — there's a relief in knowing that they have each other here, that they both share the same memories. that as bad as it all was... at least they went through it together.

that they have something shared that no one can take away from them.

he smiles, a true, bright smile at that, because he can hear the truth in Noel's voice, because this time... no one's going to force him to leave. no one can force him to leave without him.

at Noel's words, he breathes a laugh, shaking his head like he can't believe that's what Noel is going with. ]

When have I ever?

[ the humor in his tone speaks well for just how much he doesn't mean that... though to be fair, it's likely shared between them, too, the tendency to get into trouble. ]